The Offseason that Was

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, welcome back to UMAC Football. An offseason full of Manti Teo fake girlfriends, Johnny Manziel hangovers, and Riley Cooper racist remarks has finally come to an end soon to be replaced by the smell of freshly mowed grass, new cleats, and terribly sweaty football players. So much has happened since we last spoke I am not even sure where to begin. As a dedicated journalist, however, I feel it is my calling to deliver you a full recap of what has transpired over the past 9 months. So here it is folks, my first article of the year 2013, for your viewing pleasure, "The Offseason that Was."

Northwestern College has upgraded to University status and is now the University of Northwestern – Saint Paul, or as I expect it will soon be known around the UMAC, simply “The U.” While I look forward to seeing Eagle fans holding up their hands in the shape of a “U”, I cannot help but be disappointed the famous “N-W-C” chant will be replaced by the less audibly pleasing chant of “U-N-W-S-P.”

 

Crown College has broken ground on the brand-new, sparkling KleinBank Stadium which is expected to be ready for the team’s home opener on September 7^th. Whether or not KleinBank donated enough money for the Storm to purchase two sets of uniforms remains to be seen.


 

The pride of Morris, Minnesota  - Brendon Foss - was scouted by the Dallas Cowboys this offseason. America’s team even flew in representatives to Morris to watch him work out. Rumor has it, Jerry Jones begged him to come out for the draft a year early but Brendon was committed to receiving his education and remains confident he will be a first round pick come 2014. I tell you what; some people still know how it’s done.

Greenville head coach Ordell Walker has left the Panthers to coach at Bluefield College in Virginia. Offensive Coordinator Robbie Schomaker has assumed the position of Interim Head Coach in Walker’s absence. I am not sure why the term Interim precedes Schomaker’s title, but I can only assume they are looking for a permanent head coach... So if any recent college grads are looking for a coaching opportunity….

Presentation College has decided to leave the UMAC over creative differences  (the UMAC had this crazy notion that Presentation should actually be able to field 11 players on their soccer team for EVERY game) and in their place comes the Iowa Wesleyan Tigers. I know virtually nothing about Iowa Wesleyan other than that their mascot is the Tigers and their uniforms are purple. I do know one thing, though; they are already fitting perfectly into a conference which includes a team with a Panther mascot and tiger colored uniforms. My only concern is that we might want to keep impressionable young children away from the Greenville Panthers -Iowa Wesleyan Tigers game as they will leave that game completely and utterly confused as to what color those animals actually are.

Sam Durley has graduated and moved on to bigger and better things leaving Eureka College without the best thing to come out of there since Reaganomics. The school's leadership actually considered cancelling the football program citing fears that the team would waiver from it's commitment to passing, however, Head Coach Kurt Barth relieved their concerns by assuring them the Red Devils will continue to run the ball fewer than ten times per game even with Durley gone.

The College of Saint Scholastica received a tremendous honor when Junior kicker Mike Theismann was named to the Beyond Sports Network's Preseason All-American 1st Team. Of course, ever since BSN named Jonny Manziel to their Preseason All-American 1st Team things have gone downhill quickly for him. Is there a BSN curse that cause you to get kicked out of rival school's frat parties and get paid for autographing memorabilia? St. Scholastica certainly hopes not.


FInally, we have an announcement of our own to make: our intern from last season, Ricky, has been promoted to a full-time staff member and contributor. Ricky did a great job last season and comes to us with a wealth of knowledge on the UMAC. Stay tuned for articles from him throughout the season, you are sure to enjoy.


I think that about does it, folks - a full recap of the last 9 months in under ten minutes. For the few schools left out of my recap, try updating your athletic website occasionally so the rest of the world knows what is happening with you. I am exceptionally excited for the season about to begin. The best part of every new season is the unbridled optimism every team enters camp with. Each team begins the year with the same record and every team truly believes this is their year - and that is why I love this time of year so much. Soon enough injuries will strike, losses will occur, and dreams will be shattered, but for right now every single player on every single team is completely sure that this is their year. So go ahead, Scholastica, Greenville, and Northwestern - dream of playing in the National Tournament come November. Go ahead, Eureka, Morris, and Westminster - set your sights on taking the next step and finally becoming one of the conference's elite. And go ahead MacMurray, Crown, and Martin Luther - tell everyone that this is your year... Who knows? Maybe it finally is.

Tommy