The Week that Was: Week 1

So this is the part of the week where I write about what happened on Saturday in a humorous and anecdotal sort of way. It might even seem a bit sarcastic at times, but I prefer the term satirical. Try not to take it too seriously friends – learn to laugh at yourself and find some amusement in “the week that was”:

•  It may seem unlikely, but it turns out that there is, in fact, a way to throw for 399 yards and 4 TDs AND rush for 73 yards and 2 TDs and not win UMAC Central’s Outstanding Player of the Week. All you have to do is lose to Maranatha Baptist. I tried to look on Maranatha’s website to find out the last time they won a game but I could not even find it because their website does not record statistics from previous seasons. The UMAC conference may award Rothe the Offensive Player of the Week Award despite the loss, but you won’t see that from us. I know it’s not your fault you lost kid, but we can’t reward you for that. It goes against everything we believe in.
• I never thought I would say this but I am actually looking forward to getting back to hearing our buddy Mr. Miron announce the CSS games. After listening to the St. Olaf announcers butcher the name of Northwestern “The Northwestern University of umm….(paper rustling)  Northwestern College Roseville” I realized how much I missed that guy. I guess it’s true what they say, “You don’t know what you got til it’s gone.” Give me some DNA tests this week big guy!
• Northwestern played pretty well except for the whole kicking the ball thing. Apparently, there’s this new thing in football where you have to kick the ball at certain intervals of the game – say, for example, you have just scored a touchdown you can kick the ball through the yellow y-shaped object for an additional point or maybe you are really close to a touchdown but it is now fourth down you can kick it through those same yellow uprights and get 3 points. Crazy, I know, but I have found that it can really impact the game. Northwestern found this out, too, on Saturday. They should have been leading 24-21 at one point, but after having missed 1 field goal and 3 extra points they found themselves trailing 21-18. Northwestern is currently 0-4 in kicking attempts for a 0% chance at converting a kick. I have done some intense calculations and say, for the sake of argument, that Northwestern has an even 50% chance of making an extra point (probably not) that means that they only have to convert their 2-point conversions at a rate of  >25% to make it worth going for two. Hint: ditch the terrible place kicker and start going for two.
• Hamline will get at least one win this season. So… that’s good news. Thanks Morris!
•  Disclaimer: I am going to be serious for a second. From an outsider's perspective, I was very impressed with two different programs this week with very different results on the field.
• MacMurray, I actually respected the way your team played and the optimism that came out of the game. You played a team that was way better than you but you battled and at the end of the game I saw nothing but encouraging things from your players. I think you have some men of character on your squad and are headed for some good things this year.
• Greenville - big win and classy program. I was very impressed by the way you pulled out a huge victory and followed it up with a classy response. Good leadership from the top down has built a program of success and character. 
• Alright, enough of that stuff… I have decided to include a new section this year entitled “Silly Social Media Posts.” This week’s Silly Social Media Post comes from a Eureka Red Devil.

This nameless players thinks they are halfway to 2-7, which as we already pointed out was our prediction for their conference record so they are actually 0% of the way there. Beyond that, do you really base your team’s goals on what a bunch of bloggers predict you to do? Are you telling me that if you win 3 conference games you will be happy because you proved us wrong? I really hope that you have higher goals than that. Above all that, I couldn’t even find this player’s name on the participation report for Saturday’s game… must’ve been too busy tweeting.

• Finally, it has come to our attention that some of our fans find our writing a bit sarcastic and insulting. We at UMAC Central take our reader’s Facebook complaints very seriously so we will look into that for you. However, if we are going to tone down our sarcasm we are going to need you to take down the offensive pictures on your Facebook.

We found this on your Facebook and had to censor it because it was unfit to go on our blog. We find this insulting and vulgar and do not believe that this is a representative of EMAP football. Take care of this for us and we will see if we can't make our articles less insulting to you.

That does it for “The Week that Was.” Can’t wait til the next one!